扯淡的

成年与失去贞洁之后对空手道电影的厌恶

亚历山大·斯卡斯加德

With manhood and lost virginity follows a distaste for karate movies

Alexander Skarsgård May 22, 2002

E大给瑞典杂志写的一个小故事,很有趣。

Link见评论





英语版本其实很简单,文笔质朴但很有画面感,希望大家可以下拉直接看原文。






 

马林来自古斯塔夫斯贝利(斯德哥尔摩近郊的一个小镇),涂着粉色的睫毛膏,闻起来像约会时用的香水,并且能一口吃下一整卷甘草味的Hubba Bubba泡泡糖。

 

我来自Södermalm(斯德哥尔摩南城),崇拜麦基华(电视剧《玉面飞龙》的男主角),在室内也穿着飞行员夹克,每天都刮胡子只为能蓄个络腮胡出来。那是1991年夏末,晚上十点左右。客厅里的氛围很紧张。马林和她的朋友们在白色的皮子沙发上坐成一排,而我和我的朋友们则被挤到了餐桌上坐着,离女孩子们有一段令人安心的距离。米克和约翰开始在地板上摔起跤来,打破了这使人尴尬的静默。我感到不错,终于有些事情可干了,于是我们兴奋地一起看着他们的摔跤比赛。重多了的米克立刻占了上风,但直到两人滚落在了莎拉扭伤了的脚上时才停下。莎拉很痛苦,米克和约翰脸红了,马林则由于母亲是个护士而就“让扭伤了的脚保持不动的重要性”长篇大论了起来。普特很喜欢探讨,打断了马林的长篇大论。他宣称他妈妈是一名脚科大夫,并且扭伤的脚应该一直活动着。激烈的争吵发生了。

 

我本人对扭伤的脚没有任何意见,于是我进了马林的卧室,并放上了一张洛克赛特的唱片。很快米克进来了,问我要不要一起喝他从他哥哥那儿偷的啤酒。我们坐在那儿像米克的哥哥和他的朋友们以前那样抿着啤酒,觉得自己非常酷。米克把立体声的音量调大,希望能引得女孩子们来看看我们有多酷。很快艾玛来叫我们小点儿声。当她看到我们喝酒精饮料时她哭了起来,说我们是醉鬼。米克安慰起了她,说他能控制自己饮酒的(几年后他证明了他不能)。艾玛接受了这番说辞,并与米克接起吻来。

 

很快他们吻得喘不上气了,于是我们玩儿起了超级马里奥。米克赢了后,约翰兴奋地闯了进来告诉我们他们正在马林妈妈的床上玩儿真心话大冒险。玩儿过真心话大冒险的人都知道这是个绝妙的游戏,因为你能听到很多半真半假的黄色故事,但最主要的是,你也获得了干一些黄色事情的机会。几秒钟后,我加入了其他人上了床。半真半假的故事已经在往外倒了。埃里克声称,他在厄兰岛上有个女朋友,当然还有其他事情。慷慨点儿说,这就是个半真半假的故事。几个月以前埃里克千真万确爱上了个他在博里霍尔姆(厄兰岛上的一座城市)见到的女孩子。问题在于她连看都没看到他。

 

很快我被问了第一个问题。马林问我和几个人有过性(fgh)行为。之后的几秒相当严峻。我应该承认自己是个处子,还是装作很有经验?我回答说,八个。上一个夏天丽森·雅各布森在丹麦的一篇菜籽地上给我展示了她的月匈,但我们并没睡。所以八个比半真半假更偏向于假。那些知道我撒谎了的男生们也都点头附和,就像我为他们有点夸张了的真心话作证了一样。这游戏又玩了一会,便逐渐被遗忘了。一个接一个地都不玩了。有些人去客厅看空手道电影了,而另一些人去厨房吵着要做巧克力慕斯。

 

很快就只剩我和马林两人在床上。

 

-我们现在做什么?

-我不知道,我回答得很快。

 

我们有点兴致勃勃地接了吻,但我害怕得根本无法主动起来。我们在玩游戏时就接过几次吻了,但是现在我们独自在这么大一张床上,事情变得难了起来。马林问我想不想试试新的草莓味的唇彩,这问题救了我。我回答说不要,然后马林泛着光、草莓味道的唇便压上了我的。我们亲到草莓味消失,然后她低语道:

-我们做吧。

我浑身是汗,还有些晕乎。马林继续道:

-小心些。我还从来没做过。

 

情绪从我耳朵中涌了出来。成为同伴们中第一个失(fgh)贞的喜悦和对我或许会失败而且马林看穿了我的谎言的恐惧。我的希望和我的恐惧都成真了。最终我们做了(fgh)爱,我也确实成了同伴们中的第一人。但马林可能在我戴上前便弄坏了两个避(fgh)孕(fgh)套时便开始怀疑了。而当我试着在她的膝盖和髋骨之间找地方进入时,她就知道我之前的话是编的了。她帮着我找到了正确的地方。

 

十秒钟之后我们躺在一起看着天花板。

-你也是第一次,对吧?

我沉默地躺了一阵,但很快发现自己没有勇气再撒一个谎了。

-是的,我回答道,很尴尬。

-别担心,我不会告诉别人的。

 

她对我笑了,我也笑了笑。我们躺在街对面广告牌散发出的微光中。我是个男人并且朝一个女人笑了笑。而在卧室门的另一边,冒着鼻涕泡的小孩儿们正在做巧克力慕斯以及看空手道电影。

 



 

以下英语:

Malin came from Gustavsberg, wore pink mascara, smelled of Date perfume and could put a whole packet of licorice flavoured Hubba Bubba in her mouth.

I came from Södermalm, admired MacGyver, wore a bomber jacket indoors and shaved every day to make my beard start growing. It was late in the summer of 1991 and it was around ten in the evening. The atmosphere in the living room was tense. Malin and her friends sat lined up in the white leather couch while me and my friends were pushed together around the dining table which was situated at a comforting distance to the girls. Micke and Johan broke the embarrassing silence when they started wrestling on the floor. I felt good when something finally was happening and we all watched the wrestling match with excitement. The far heavier Micke immediately got the upper hand but the wrestling match came to a sudden stop when the combatants happened to roll over on Sara’s sprained foot. Sara suffered, Micke and Johan blushed and Malin, whose mum was a nurse, held a detailed lecture on the importance of keeping a sprained foot still. Putte, who loved to discuss, broke Malin’s lecture off. He claimed that his mum was a foot doctor and that a sprained foot on the contrary should be active. Wild debate arose.

I myself had no opinion on sprained feet so I went into Malin’s room and put on a Roxette record. Soon Micke came in and asked me if we could share a beer he nicked from his brother. We felt terribly cool sitting there sipping beer like Micke’s brother and his pals used to do. Micke turned up the volume on the stereo in the hopes that some of the girls would come in and see how cool we were. Soon Emma came in to ask us to turn it down. When she saw us drinking alcohol she started crying terribly and called us alcoholics. Micke comforted her and said that he could control his drinking (which, a few years later, he proved that he definitely couldn’t). Emma accepted this and she and Micke started making out.

Pretty soon they became breathless and we played Super Mario Bros. instead. Micke had just won when an excited Johan came barging in and told us that they were playing truth or dare in Malin’s mum’s bed. Anyone who has played truth or dare knows that it’s a wonderful game, because you get to hear a lot of half true dirty stories and you get to, most importantly, make out. A few seconds later I had joined the others in the bed. The half truths were already pouring out. Erik claimed, among others, that he had a girlfriend on Öland. This was a kindly put halftruth. Erik had certainly fallen in love with a girl he had seen in Borgholm some months earlier. The problem was just that she never saw him.

Soon I got my first question. It was Malin who wondered how many I had had sex with. Some critical seconds followed. Should I tell about my innocence or should I act experienced? I answered eight. The summer before Lisen Jacobsen had shown me her bare breasts on a rapeseed field in Denmark, but we had definitely not slept with each other. So eight was probably more of a lie than a half truth. The guys, who knew I lied, nodded in agreement, the same way I did when they stretched the truth a little. The game went on for some time and then it died slowly down. One by one went out of the game. Some went out and checked out a karate movie in the living room and others started to whip up chocolate mousse in the kitchen. Soon me and Malin were alone in the bed.

- What do we do now?
- I don`t know, I answered really fast.

We were both into making out a little, but I was way too scared to take any initiative. We had certainly made out a few times during the game, but it was way harder now when we were alone in the enormous bed. Malin saved me by asking if I had tried the new strawberry flavoured lip gloss. I answered no and Malin pressed her glossy, strawberry scented lips against mine. We kissed for about as long as the strawberry taste lasted, then she whispered:

- Let’s do it.
I got all sweaty and felt dizzy. Malin continued:
- But be careful. I’ve never done it before.

The emotions came pouring out of my ears. Joy that I might be the first one among my friends who would loose my virginity and terror that I might fail and that Malin would see through my lie about my earlier experiences. Both my hopes and my fears came true. We had sex in the end and I was the first one among my friends. But Malin probably started wondering when I happened to have ruined two condoms before I even had them on. And when I tried to enter her somewhere between her knee and her hip she was pretty convinced that my earlier experiences were made up. She helped me and I found the right place.

Ten seconds later we were lying next to each other looking up in the ceiling.

- It was the first time for you too, right?
I lay silent a while but realized that I did not have coverage for another lie.
- Yes, I answered embarrassed.
- Don’t worry, I won’t tell the others.

She smiled at me and I smiled back. We were lying there in the weak light from the billboard on the other side of the street and smiled at each other. I was a man and I smiled at a woman. And on the other side of the bedroom door the snotty little kids were making chocolate mousse and watching a karate movie.

 

 

43岁生日快乐


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